I got this as an email forward from my friend Daniela. It´s funny because it´s true (not true like it happened, but true like everyone here knows it could happen), so I went ahead and translated it.
READ THIS INFORMATION TO BE AWARE OF ANTI-TERRORIST VALUE OF THE POPULATION AND THE ORGANIZATION OF PUBLIC AND PRIVATE INSTITUTIONS OF PARAGUAY ... YOU WILL NOTE THE "EFFICIENCY" OF PARAGUAY IN PREVENTING ATTACKS.
Thanks to its citizens, there was NO attack in Paraguay
ref: declassified documentation 06/06/2010
Documents kept secret by intelligence agencies revealed that Al Qaeda planned attacks for Asunción.
Bin Laden, through two of his most experienced terrorists, ordered the theft of an airplane that would be launched against the United States Embassy to protest the visit of George W. Bush to the Summit of Mar del Plata.
The service records of information (FBI and National Police) note that the two terrorists arrived at Silvio Pettisossi International Airport on Sunday October 30th at 21:45 on a TAM flight from Sao Paulo, having started in Paris.
The mission of Al Qaeda began to have problems since they landed, as their luggage was mistakenly sent to Santiago, Chile. After almost 5 hours of traveling to different offices and not being able to communicate well due to their faulty language skills, the 2 terrorists left the airport. They were advised by airline officials to return the next day accompanied by an interpreter.
The two terrorists took a taxi from the airport and the driver, noticing that they were foreigners, paraded them through the city for three hours before finally abandoning them near Zeballos Cue. This was after a traffic stop at Avenida Artigas, where three accomplices of the taxi driver assaulted them, stealing their belongings.
The Muslims, using a few dollars they´d had hidden in special money belts, convinced a trucker to take them somewhere slightly less bleak.
Monday at 7:30 am, thanks to their guerrilla training in Afghanistan they are able to take a bus and arrive at a hotel near the bus terminal. They then rented a car and headed back to the airport, determined to hijack a plane, as planned, and crash it into the embassy.
But going to the airport, they found the road blocked due to crowds of homeless people, public employees and teachers on strike. This delayed them more than 3 hours, and their rental car suffered broken windows and numerous dents.
At 12:30 they decided to return to downtown Asunción, where they could exchange their few remaining dollars after the robbery. There, they were given counterfeit bills.
At last, after many delays, at 15:10 the terrorists came to the airport to hijack a plane and finally fulfill their mission. But the airline TAM was on strike for more pay and less work. Flight controllers were also on strike (wanting to compare their salary with that of the pilots).
The only aircraft on the tarmac was one of Southern Winds ... but it had no fuel.
Airline employees and passengers were in the lobby of the airport, protesting and shouting slogans against the government. Police arrived and arrested everyone, including the Muslim terrorists.
The Muslims were taken to the Airport Police station, charged with rioting, vandalism and resisting arrest. At 18:10, due to a police oversight (changing of the guard), the terrorists managed to escape and then discussed amongst themselves if it would be possible to destroy the target ...
At 22:20, dirty, beaten and hungry, they decided to eat something in the airport restaurant - Tenderloin sandwiches, fries and soft drinks. Later that night, they awoke with terrible stomach pains caused by rotten meat on the sandwiches they ate in the restaurant.
3 hours after being called, the ambulance arrived to take them to the local hospital. But it was full, so they spent another 3 hours touring various hospitals to find where they could receive care.
On Sunday at 15:30, the Al Qaeda men leave the hospital and get near the Cerro soccer stadium. The hooligan fans confuse them with Olimpia and give them an impressive beating. The leader of the hooligans (an individual nicknamed "Hose") repeatedly raped the Muslims.
At 19:45 they are finally left alone with terrible pains throughout the body, especially in the proctology area. Nearby was a kiosk in the village and they decide to get drunk (though for them it is a sin). They were poisoned again from the plastic containers and had to return to the hospital.
The next day at 22:30, in a panic, the terrorists fled from Asunción toward Ciudad del Este in an electric company´s truck, which near Caaguazú was assaulted by road pirates.
Sore, bruised, hungry, with their asses broken, and unable to walk or sit, they are picked up by the vehicle of an NGO that defends human rights, working in Coronel Oviedo.
In Oviedo, wandering around without knowing what to do, they end up sleeping in the doorway of a shop downtown, where they were detained by police as undocumented vagabonds and notified that foreigners would be deported.
At the end of this odyssey, the Muslims believed that terrorism is not necessary in Paraguay and upon returning, will seek to establish an agreement to conduct specialized training courses in Asunción in social chaos for the staff of Al Qaeda.
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LINGO DICTIONARY
Chuchi - this is probably my new most popular word. It means snobby or fancy, but is used in the Peace Corps as anything nicer than dirt roads and shacks, or for a person, anyone who showers with hot water. Living in the city, I am super chuchi for here.
Fuerte - literally means strong, but because the culture is based on talking around everything, it´s when a person says anything they want in a direct way - it means asshole
Puede ser and otro dia - literally means "could be" or "another day", but because noone will directly blow someone off, both of them mean "never" and are the answer to a question of when something will happen
Deseas, en tus sueños, Que Arriba Perra/o and Es lo qué es - these are the terrible translations of American sayings that are not used here and don´t really translate, but we say them anyway. Literally they mean "you wish", "in your dreams", "What´s up bitch/dog?" and "it is what it is"
Qué guapa - this means "what a hard worker" and is used by Paraguayans every time I do ANYTHING manual, including carrying a dish to the sink or sweeping out my room. I don´t think they have high expectations for Americans and work.
Saludos - sending saludos by way of a mutual friend is how people tell each other they have a crush on them. The most serious kinds are given with a pinch on the arm and they mean business.
Thumbs up - this is done everywhere here and is a simple answer to pretty much any question. I will probably have carpal tunel in my thumbs when I leave here because I do this so much.
No se como comer esta - this is how one refuses food in Paraguay. Literally, it´s "I don´t know how to eat this" which creates an internal struggle for me each time it´s said because I want to be a smartass and explain that, just like any other food, you put in in your mouth and chew, but I don´t think that´s acceptable here.
No Más and Un poco - this is said after almost every phrase for no real reason other than to make everything sound like it´s not a big deal, even when it really is. Literally, it´s "No More" and "A Little", so the translations are something like "Sit down no more", "Come here a little", and "Do you want dinner no more?"
Cocido - this is a hot drink mixed by carmellizing sugar with a little yerba, adding just enough water to wet it, and then adding more sugar. It´s served by the thermos-full just before bed.
Mosto - this is to sugar what crack is to cocaine. It´s a "tradional" drink capable of putting even the sweetest tooth into a diabetic coma, and is served continuously at fun gatherings like funerals.
Ch-ch-ch-ch - this is the sound Paraguayans make to get each others´attention - like "Psst" . It´s especially used for catcalling, and they have nothing to follow it with - they just want you to look.
Fuerte - literally means strong, but because the culture is based on talking around everything, it´s when a person says anything they want in a direct way - it means asshole
Puede ser and otro dia - literally means "could be" or "another day", but because noone will directly blow someone off, both of them mean "never" and are the answer to a question of when something will happen
Deseas, en tus sueños, Que Arriba Perra/o and Es lo qué es - these are the terrible translations of American sayings that are not used here and don´t really translate, but we say them anyway. Literally they mean "you wish", "in your dreams", "What´s up bitch/dog?" and "it is what it is"
Qué guapa - this means "what a hard worker" and is used by Paraguayans every time I do ANYTHING manual, including carrying a dish to the sink or sweeping out my room. I don´t think they have high expectations for Americans and work.
Saludos - sending saludos by way of a mutual friend is how people tell each other they have a crush on them. The most serious kinds are given with a pinch on the arm and they mean business.
Thumbs up - this is done everywhere here and is a simple answer to pretty much any question. I will probably have carpal tunel in my thumbs when I leave here because I do this so much.
No se como comer esta - this is how one refuses food in Paraguay. Literally, it´s "I don´t know how to eat this" which creates an internal struggle for me each time it´s said because I want to be a smartass and explain that, just like any other food, you put in in your mouth and chew, but I don´t think that´s acceptable here.
No Más and Un poco - this is said after almost every phrase for no real reason other than to make everything sound like it´s not a big deal, even when it really is. Literally, it´s "No More" and "A Little", so the translations are something like "Sit down no more", "Come here a little", and "Do you want dinner no more?"
Cocido - this is a hot drink mixed by carmellizing sugar with a little yerba, adding just enough water to wet it, and then adding more sugar. It´s served by the thermos-full just before bed.
Mosto - this is to sugar what crack is to cocaine. It´s a "tradional" drink capable of putting even the sweetest tooth into a diabetic coma, and is served continuously at fun gatherings like funerals.
Ch-ch-ch-ch - this is the sound Paraguayans make to get each others´attention - like "Psst" . It´s especially used for catcalling, and they have nothing to follow it with - they just want you to look.
Posts
Wait... i am still laughing and i cant think...
ReplyDeleteLOL...
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that is some choice material. As good as when the writing muse inhabits Angie. Comparable to what i would expect to find at the Onion site online. (always good for a laugh)
Yea! humor!
allthatisjim>screwawebsite i want to start an Academy of allthatisjim
sooo bad. only in paraguay.
ReplyDeleteThis post is hilarious .. Well written :)
ReplyDeleteOMG. That is hilarious!
ReplyDeleteOMG! Is it right to feel sorry for the would be terrorists?
ReplyDeleteLol, thanks for sharing, I love it!!
ReplyDeleteI like the Eduardo Galeano quote, i'm in the middle of reading two of his books (The open veins of latin america & 'Faces & Masks')!
ReplyDelete